November 12th, 2024
by Oluseye Ashiru
by Oluseye Ashiru
As Christian moms, we often carry a deep desire to nurture, protect, and guide our families in a way that honors God. However, when these responsibilities become overwhelming, they can lead to burnout, strained relationships, and unintended family dynamics. One significant factor that contributes to this is maternal gatekeeping. Let’s explore what maternal gatekeeping is, how it affects us and our families, and how we can apply biblical principles to find balance and peace.
What is Maternal Gatekeeping?
Maternal gatekeeping refers to the behaviors or attitudes that moms may adopt, consciously or unconsciously, that limit or control the involvement of others—especially fathers—in caregiving and household responsibilities. This can range from feeling it’s easier to “just do it myself” to judging or “correcting” how others complete certain tasks. While some level of gatekeeping may stem from a strong sense of responsibility, it can also create an unhealthy imbalance that leaves moms carrying the lion’s share of the mental, physical, and emotional load at home.
The Bible reminds us that God designed marriage and family to be partnerships. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 highlights the importance of working together, saying, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” When we embrace this partnership, we strengthen our homes and relieve some of the burdens on ourselves.
The Bible reminds us that God designed marriage and family to be partnerships. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 highlights the importance of working together, saying, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” When we embrace this partnership, we strengthen our homes and relieve some of the burdens on ourselves.
Why Do Moms Engage in Maternal Gatekeeping?
There are several common reasons moms might fall into gatekeeping behaviors:
While these feelings are understandable, they can create a cycle of frustration, burnout, and control that doesn’t benefit moms, dads, or children. By understanding these triggers, we can begin to address and balance our roles.
- A Sense of Responsibility: Many moms feel that it’s their role to ensure the family is well-cared-for and managed, leading them to take on most of the tasks.
- High Standards: Moms may believe they know “the best way” to do things and feel anxious when things don’t go as they’d prefer.
- Societal Expectations: Society often places pressure on moms to be the primary caregivers and managers of the household.
While these feelings are understandable, they can create a cycle of frustration, burnout, and control that doesn’t benefit moms, dads, or children. By understanding these triggers, we can begin to address and balance our roles.
Effects of Maternal Gatekeeping on Mom Burnout
When moms take on all the responsibilities at home, burnout often follows. Here are some of the ways maternal gatekeeping can contribute to burnout and stress:
- Increased Mental and Emotional Load
By taking on every detail of family life, moms accumulate mental and emotional stress that leads to exhaustion. While “it’s easier to do it myself” might seem true in the moment, over time, it drains energy and joy from family life. Jesus invites us to rest in Him, reminding us that “my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30). When we feel overburdened, it may be a sign to release control and seek help. - Spiritual Depletion
Christian moms may find that the mental and emotional load impacts their spiritual life, leaving little time for personal devotion or reflection. Exhaustion can rob us of the quiet moments we need to connect with God, find peace, and renew our spirit. - Strained Partner Relationship
When moms consistently limit their partner’s involvement, it can lead to resentment and disengagement from their partner. Fathers may begin to feel undervalued or untrusted, which harms the partnership God intended for marriage. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 again reminds us of the strength in partnership: “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” We’re designed to share these burdens with our spouse, not bear them alone.
Other Impacts of Maternal Gatekeeping on Family Dynamics
Fortunately, God provides us with the tools to approach parenting in a balanced and grace-filled way. Here are some biblical principles that can help counteract maternal gatekeeping:
- Embrace Humility and Grace
Remembering that we’re not called to be the ultimate caregiver but rather a teammate can help. Allowing others to support us—even if they do things differently—creates space for grace and growth. Romans 12:4-5 reminds us that “each member belongs to all the others,” emphasizing the value of teamwork and mutual support. - Encourage Partner Involvement
Consider steps like expressing appreciation for your partner’s efforts and inviting them to share responsibilities without judgment. This doesn’t mean we won’t have preferences, but it does mean valuing each other’s contributions. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another,” showing how mutual support can strengthen a partnership. - Practice Trust and Patience
Involving others might require letting go of control and trusting God to work through our loved ones. Practicing patience as others grow into their roles reminds us that God works through all of us, sometimes in ways we don’t expect (Ephesians 4:2-3).
Practical Steps to Alleviate Burnout and Encourage Balance
- Build a Support System
Look to family, friends, or church groups for support. God places us in community to uplift and encourage one another (Galatians 6:2). - Communicate Openly
Honest conversations about expectations, needs, and boundaries can prevent misunderstandings. Couples can pray together and ask God for unity in their parenting approach. Proverbs 15:22 tells us that “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed.” - View Self-Care as Stewardship
Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s a way of stewarding the body and mind God has given us. Jesus Himself took time to rest (Mark 6:31), and we should too, knowing that recharging allows us to care for our families better.
Moving Toward a Collaborative, Grace-Filled Family Life
Finding balance as a Christian mom can be challenging, but releasing control and embracing teamwork can lead to a more peaceful, God-honoring home. By recognizing the effects of maternal gatekeeping, inviting support, and applying biblical principles, we can create a family environment filled with grace, collaboration, and God’s love.
Lord, please help me to release control and trust those around me. Teach me to lean on my spouse, seek help when I need it, and rest in Your presence. Fill our home with Your peace, joy, and unity. Amen.
By embracing this approach, we honor God’s design for family and find a path that lessens burnout and strengthens relationships. Our families will benefit from a spirit of unity and shared responsibility, allowing us to model God’s love and partnership for the next generation.
By embracing this approach, we honor God’s design for family and find a path that lessens burnout and strengthens relationships. Our families will benefit from a spirit of unity and shared responsibility, allowing us to model God’s love and partnership for the next generation.
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